If Vain Press A Perfect 10

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are:

Obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

Co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

Have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship

Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which you press, as no one will answer.

Dyslexic, press 999696696969969.

Of a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

Have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

Have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

Have Bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

Have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.