Had his bacon

TO:
Ministry of agriculture and fisheries, London.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Bill Needy, over in Hampshire, received a cheque for £1,000 from the government for not raising pigs. So, I want to go into the "not raising pigs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise pigs on, and what is the best breed of pig not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies.

I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many pigs I haven't raised.

My friend, Bill, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising pigs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £422 in 1968, until this year when he got your cheque for £1,000 for not raising pigs. If I get £1,000 for not raising 50 pigs, will I get £2,000 for not raising 100 pigs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an aeroplane.

Now another thing: these pigs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 pigs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and rent allowance. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically Yours,